We're All Basic Bitches, Kind Of... Fuck It, Though

We're All Basic Bitches, Kind Of... Fuck It, Though

Dear Friends,

Today, I heard a textbook "Basic Bitch" call someone else "basic" and it made me think: Come fall, there's a lot of noise about basic bitches. There are some confusing definitions of what exactly a "Basic Bitch" is so, we turned to the highly-respected Urban Dictionary for some more clarity. Here's some random bits and pieces:

basic bitch

  1. An extra regular female.
  2. Yet another term used by society to judge women and their lifestyle choices. Because, honestly, what would we do with our time if we didn't have socially accepted ways to demean and denigrate women for choices they make, even though those choices have nothing to do with ourselves or our own choices?
  3. She is typical and a dime a dozen. There are many subtypes of basicness, such as the basic ratchet, the basic sorority bitch, the basic groupie bitch, the basic I'm-so-Carrie-from-Sex-and-the-City bitch, etc, but ultimately, they all share the common thread of being expendable and unnoteworthy and, in some cases, having absolutely no redeeming qualities.

"This female fits into stereotypes that we have pressed upon her for most of her life. It's no longer socially acceptable to hate fat girls, skinny girls, gay girls, or girls who have healthy sexual appetites, so let's make fun of those basic bitches."

"She likes the same things as a lot of other girls. Such a basic bitch."

"That basic bitch thinks she's special. She's so unoriginal. Unlike me, the hipster of all hipsters whose every thought and action is so fucking original and innovative that I might as well be a god."

So, who isn't a basic bitch? Even Beyoncé does some basic things. Like, remember that one time she and Jay had to let everyone know they were vegan for a second? No joke, a reputable publication tweeted "Bey and Jay had a vegan wedding. Does that mean we should, too?" and the term basic no longer sufficed to define the person who was in charge of sending that tweet out. But, anyway? What's so terrible about liking or being about shit anyway? What made liking things classify someone as being basic? Social media and our perpetual need to use it did. That's what!

Millions of people were basic before social media existed but, nobody knew. They weren't able to broadcast everything they were into at the time, like we can today. Like, if you didn't personally know Cher Horowitz,  you probably wouldn't know that she frequented Contempto Casual, drank Starbucks before everyone, wrote with feather pens, and was into volunteering for The Pismo Beach Disaster Relief Effort (their version Kony 2012) at school. Before social media and Uggs, "basic bitches" were wearing these house slippers in public. Nobody made it a thing nor was an entire social phenomenon created surrounding our distaste for females who wore said slippers – and that's simply because there wasn't an Instagram to share our #sotd(s) or a Twitter to bitch about them on. Thank goodness – those damn sandals were so much worse than any type of shoe we wear now and I had four pairs.

Just yesterday, I had to stop myself from making some sort of basic bitch heartfelt ode to fall. I love fall – fucking shoot me – but I've loved fall since I knew what fall was. I just couldn't share my love for the most amazing of seasons on The Internet when I was a kid because my Nano Baby didn't have internet capabilities. 

What I'm trying to say is: If you share stuff online, anything for that matter (because your post isn't original) you're basic. But, being basic isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. It happens.

If you wear clothes, you're basic – even if you're goth. You cannot not be basic. Being a basic is basically the same shit as being someone who conforms and, we all pretty much do that in some way. It doesn't matter how original you think you are, someone else is dressed exactly like you some place else. Bohemian? Basic. Punk? Basic. Hipster? Naked? Basic. Sorry.

If you eat, you're basically basic. It doesn't matter if it's at a cool, hole-in-the-wall spot, your ass is basic if you dine out. If you take photos of your food? Painfully basic. Love brunch? Tacos? Sushi? BASIC. But who cares? Those things are great. People should like them. 

If you put on makeup, you're basic. If you don't put on makeup, you're basic too. If you've got an education, you're basic. If you work, you're basic. Like green juice? Basic. But that's OKAY, those things are all cool and some even really, really good for you.

Label yourself as a member of a social/political/dietary group? Share it online and tell everyone you know? You're basic. BUT who cares? That's good that you're passionate about something!

See, we all do basic things!

Girl, wear your damn Uggs if it makes you happy. Drink that Starbucks like every other damn person does. Can't stop saying YASSSSS? It's okay! Enjoy doing those things because you actually enjoy doing them, but, if being a basic is something you're not trying to do, avoid posting about said things online, at all costs.

Clearly, it's ridiculous to think that we're each that unique. Sharing every, single thing online only makes it even more obvious that we're all kind of basic, guys. It's okay to like things other people like but, if you're worried about being a basic bitch, don't post basic shit online. However, don't post downright demented, crazy stuff either just to not be basic – that shit will land you in a 51/50 hold. Tragically, and I say this with a heavy heart – the talented Amanda Bynes is clearly not basic. We all want her to be just a little basic for one second so that she can get well. If not being basic is your one of your #lifegoals, forget it.

End rant.


Basically, a Basic Bitch in Denial, Basically

Disclaimer: I am aware that this is a totally ridiculous rant. Please do not judge me. I'm almost ashamed but too damn lazy to go back and edit. I also don't give a shit about punctuation or grammar, I know I should, but I don't. I will just continue to blame the Los Angeles public school system for my shortcomings.

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